he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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