My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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