a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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