bring money and cleavage
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
