This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
