I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
