i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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