Plan B is the new Plan A
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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