Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
