my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
