i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
