then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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