I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just pee around me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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