I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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