so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
