i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
