I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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