I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
