The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
