uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
