period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I supernannyed him into submission
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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