I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
