i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
