She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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