so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
