it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
