before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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