I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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