So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
