she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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