i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
