Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
