I wish my penis had an off switch
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
