She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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