I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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