She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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