last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
