I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
