Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize