I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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