I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dick very happy bro
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
