I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
