my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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