Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
