I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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