i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
