Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize