Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
This house was built for laser tag.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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