True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
