My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
