You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
please come you make the beer taste better
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
