If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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