Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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